Hope, Strength & Love

A cancer diagnosis is like having living with a terrorist me 24/7.  He never lets go of that grenade or weapon pointed at my head. He scares and intimidates me to the point that I forget how to live.

I get dressed-- will it be my last outfit, 

I shower--will it be the last time I wash my hair, 

I cook--will it be the last meal I prepare for my family?

Cancer creates a series of "what if's."

What if this is my last birthday, my last Mother's Day, my last summer vacation, or holiday?

Bedtime is uncertain because I question if my eyes will see tomorrow. I pray that God will grant me one more day and thank him at the first sign of daylight.

I fear life and question even the of slightest pain. Just when I am feeling like I are back on my feet and confident enough to face the world, he reminds me that he is in control and can dominate me with a single low blood count. I see the fear in other victims' faces as we congregate on that hospital floor, even if we mask our fear with laughter and smiles. We know it could be any of us or even all of us.

MRI's, PET scans, CT scans have become as regular as going to get a gallon of milk.  

I am now referred to as a VIP by my neurosurgeon; I have my neurologist's cell phone; my oncologist hugs me when I visit him.... from the nurses who call my cell to check on me, to the doctors who I have given gifts to these people are my extended family, my allies in this fight against the terrorist.  I rely on them for my weapons of surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, prescribed medication, acupuncture, magnet therapy and weekly blood work. I arm myself with prayer, meditation, positive thoughts, healthy eating, and a wonderful group of supportive friends and family.

I am literally a work in progress. Sometimes I get good news, sometimes I get "not so good" news. When I was first diagnosed, I kept asking myself "Why me?" Now, I realize " Why not me?" I am no more special than anyone on that hospital floor.  I have experienced astonishment, misery, and anger. Those feelings have peeled away to reveal what I am really made hope, strength, and love.

: I must quote a friend; she said it best: "Don't live thinking about tomorrow. Live today, and make it the best today you've ever had. We don't know if any of us have a tomorrow."

We Did Not Meet by Chance

      There are endless sayings and quotes that express how we feel about our friends and family. Some quotes are heartfelt, others are funny, and quite a few are sarcastic. That's because all relationships are unique, with good and bad days and depending on the moment at hand, there is surely a quote for it.  There are days we feel blessed to know someone, and we are delighted with the wonderful group of people around us. They genuinely care for us, and time after time prove they are there for us unconditionally.  Then, there are days we wonder how we ended up with such a dysfunctional group of relatives or friends who leave us feeling drained.  They only call you when they have a problem or only talk about themselves. 

I am currently reading Gary Zukav's Soul to Soul Communications from the Heart, and I was struck by something he wrote regarding relationships and the people in our lives:

"Souls agree to provide one another opportunities, in certain circumstances that might occur in the Earth school, to learn the lessons that each incarnates to learn and to give the gifts that each was born to give.  They do not know how their personalities will choose to respond, but they agree to provide the opportunities to make choices."

I have pondered this idea for a long time. If my soul, your soul, and their souls agreed to provide each other with learning opportunities from the moment of birth, then no one we meet is a stranger from the perspective of our souls.  And everyone, from our closest friend to our greatest enemy, agreed to interact in this life for a purpose.  How our personalities choose to react is entirely up to us. 

The concept has helped me become more self aware, and I approach each interaction as an opportunity to learn. I think, "this person, this conversation, this event is meant to teach me something. Pay attention, do not take it for granted." In turn, I am more present, more patient, and more open to new ideas, opinions, and advice. 

Mindful Moment:  It has taken me a while to change my way of thinking...I used to question why is this person in my life?  Slowly, I am coming to the realization that I am grateful for everyone I encounter.  From the kindest of souls to the most difficult of people in my life, I know he or she is here because I agreed to it. 

Now and Forever ... A Tribute to my Son

At what point does a mother fall in love with her child? Is it at the exact moment she finds out she is pregnant? Is it once the baby is born and love at first sight? Maybe it's during the toddler years as the baby develops, or maybe the affection grows slowly and strongly through the years. It is suppose to be the greatest unconditional love felt between two people. How could it not?....when the tiny being you created is a part of you.  

For me, the love I feel for my son has flourished and transformed itself through the years. Those grueling 14 hours of labor and the pain of an emergency c-section were all worth it.  The moment I first held him, my heart melted.   It began as a sweet and tender emotion, full of fear and a desire to protect him at all hours. It was also a remarkable sense of pure joy with each new discovery he made. Every hug, every kiss, every I love you, we shared strengthened our tender, yet strong bond. I promised myself that he would always know how much he means to me.  

Even now, a few days before his fifteenth birthday, we are still close. Sure, he may not need me as much anymore, and it has been years since I read him a bedtime story. But now, our love is rainy afternoons full of hilarious card games, or when he tells me, “Mom, come watch a movie.” Even through the very difficult and patience-enduring teen years, I know I have shown him what it means to love.  I feel it in every spontaneous hug he gives me or when he reaches for my hand as I am driving. It’s in every Sunday morning pillow fight and in every “Mommmmmm” I hear throughout the day.  

I am not exactly sure of the precise moment in time when a mother falls in love with her baby, but I am sure that it must happen first to the mother so that the child feels cherished and in turn is able to love her back.  Love is more than a pretty house or a meal served. It is more than a new pair of shoes, clean laundry, or a ride home after school.  A mother's affection is like no other.  It is simultaneously the greatest gift and ultimate sacrifice.  

Mindful Moment:  Thank you for choosing me to be your mom. I promise to love you now and forever. 

I Promise to Love, Cherish, and Respect ME

Self respect is one of the greatest and most powerful qualities one can possess because it consists of self love and self preservation.  Loving yourself demonstrates how important you are to YOU! It allows you to always be cared for because you are able to nurture yourself; you do not need to look for it from anyone or anything else.  It is self-producing like an abundant waterfall constantly replenishing itself, full of life and energy.  Self preservation is the ability to protect oneself against destruction or harm.  Harm can come in many forms- a hurtful gesture from a longtime friend, a greedy act from a close relative, a nasty text message from a sibling.  The only thing you are doing by putting up with these behaviors and continuing a relationship with the destructive individual is robbing yourself of your dignity.  Self respect, self love, and self preservation are equally interchangeable virtues. You can't have one without the others. 

These three key characteristics allow a person to live their life guilt-free without the need to be complacent or a stepping stool for others.  It is such a powerful and rewarding feeling to know that no one can rob me of the peace and love I have created for myself.  I am not a victim of regret, nor can I be emotionally manipulated by anyone.  Because I love myself, I strive to fill my life with loving positive people. Positive people, positive vibes equal a positive life. It's that simple.  There is no room for negativity, jealousy, or hurtful people. I refuse to let that energy into my life because all it will do is consume me. Regardless if it comes from an acquaintance, a friend, or a family member, toxic relationships cannot impose themselves or be imposed upon me. If at any point, a friend or a loved one demonstrated lack of respect towards me or my family, the relationship would end immediately.  The reality is that they would do it again and again, and each time I would lose a little more of my self worth.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

If you happen to have someone like this in your life, and you refuse to see the reality of the situation, I wish you luck because you will spend a lifetime in trying to make them happy all the while depriving yourself of your own.  

Mindful Moment:  I love me. I take care of me. I respect me. It’s okay if you don't. I have all I need. 

What It Means To Be A Family

     All families are different and made up of all types of members.  In loving and healthy families, regardless of how they are comprised, there is unity, love, guidance, and respect.    Members of the family are there for one another and act accordingly for the good of the whole.  Each member of the family is fully aware of the role they play as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and offsprings.  For a family to function properly, everyone needs to be there for one another unconditionally and unselfishly.  It is not enough to speak fondly about them or fill your home with pictures.  Help is offered without having to be asked.  There cannot be discord, anger, resentment, or lack of affection.   Individuals should not judge or point the finger.  But not all families know how to be families.  Often times family members are not accepted and alienated.  I would have to say that there are more dysfunctional families in the world than there are healthy ones.  Having grown up in a family with many diverse personalities has allowed me to reflect on my childhood and focus on what I would like to do differently now that I am a parent. 

From my own personal experience, I have come to realize how important a family’s oral history is in shaping who we become.  I do not know much about my family's past other than a few minor details.  There must be hundreds of stories about my great-grandparents, grandparents, great aunts and uncles, cousins, and my own parents’ childhoods.  Somewhere along the line, these stories stopped being told, and it is unfortunate because they would have allowed me to visualize where I come from, given me roots, and let me see my life in a different light.  It is not the same to hold a black and white photograph of my grandmother as a young lady without the story of what she was thinking or what she was experiencing at that moment in her life.  A picture is just a picture.  The story allows for the connection. 

My husband and I make sure that we share with our son our childhood memories, our teenage years, and the story how we became “us.”  He enjoys hearing these tales of our youth, for they allow him to see us as more than just mom and dad.  He gets a kick out of hearing about life in the 1980’s and how we can relate to his teenage dramas because we’ve been there.  Whether our stories bring him some sort of enlightenment or not, that is hard to tell, but I am sure that someday he will fondly recollect them to his children, and we will live on through the stories we took the time to tell today. 

Another very significant part of a healthy and loving family is the connection with the extended family.  Short and to the point- I have none.  My personal family tree looks more like a palm tree than a mighty oak.  I have no first cousins, but I am sure that I have second and third cousins, great aunts and uncles, and family members that I have never met. Why?  I have no idea.  At some point, the adults in my family decided that keeping this connection alive was too much of a hassle or did not realize the significance it would have in the future.  And so, we grew apart, and our tiny family isolated themselves from the rest.  

I do not want the same to happen to my son.  Although he is an only child, he has a lot of cousins, aunts, and uncles of all ages thanks to my husband having a very large family.  He interacts with them during family picnics throughout the year and at my in-laws house on weekends.  My sister and I also make sure that we spend at least one day a week together so that our two kids grow up together despite the difference in age.  We put up with the bickering and the whining because we understand that one day it will all be worth it.  We bond over sporting events, pool parties, pizza, and board games.  

In a few years my son will be in the university.  He will be an adult ready to conquer the world!  I could say my job is done and easily pack up our things, move, and start a new chapter in our lives all before the age of 45.  But, that is not what life and family is about.  I am aware that my sister will still need me.  My niece will be entering middle school, and that will mean dances and dress shopping, a first kiss and broken hearts.    There will be plenty of days left to relax.  But there will only be one school play, one football championship, one graduation, and I am not about to miss that for the world.   

Mindful Moment:  Do I wish my family was perfect? Do I wish things could have been different?  There was a time I would have said yes.  But no family is perfect.  So now, I realize that while I can’t do anything about the past, I can certainly shape my future.

A Life Worth Living

When I look back on my life sixty years from now (yes, I plan to live to be 99), I hope that I will remember my life fondly and be proud of all that I accomplished.  That my achievements not be based on the quantity of material possessions, but in the quality of life I lived.  I hope that I will have loved enough, learned enough, and helped others enough, for those are the things that bring me pure joy.  My life will be complete because I will have had no regrets.  By then, it will be too late to realize I could have said or done something to make a difference in someone's life.  

I see the bigger picture now.

  I see how my love and guidance shape my son into the man he is becoming.  I am so proud of how he gives back to this world and volunteers his time at our local zoo several times a week.  Someday, he will be a husband, a brother in law, or an uncle. He will have many roles, and it will be his turn to give of himself to his family.  He will have a career where he will fulfill his responsibilities and in turn be compensated. But, his greatest responsibilities will be to his family where he will perform unconditional acts of love and sacrifice, and his reward will be tenfold.

I see how I must always seek knowledge to grow as a person and become enlightened.   I read about psychology, relationships, and the human condition always searching for ways to improve my own life.  I write as a hobby and as a mental exercise.  I express my thoughts, whether right or wrong, because it makes me happy.  And maybe, since you are reading my blog, one of my posts has gotten you thinking or brought you a personal revelation and that for me is truly special.

I see how helping others also nourishes me.  Taking care of my niece is a gift for me because the bond between us grows stronger with each game of Uno we play or with each bike ride we take.  The way she wraps her arms around me and her face brightens when she sees me, is "priceless."   I am present in her life every step of the way.  My love and support will not waiver.   She can always count on me. 

I know why I are here.  

My purpose in this lifetime:

To love, To learn, and To help.  

Mindful Moment:  When it is all said and done, will you have lived a meaningful life? 

The Disconnect to Reconnect 2 Day Challenge

     

 What would happen if we all just put down our phones and tablets for 48 hours?  The answer is simple: we would disconnect from all the gossip, games, and trivial news we spend hours glued to, and we would reconnect with everyone and everything important to us.  Our spouses, children, pets, family, and friends would have our undivided attention.  We would have to socialize face to face and not via a text message or Instagram photo.  Here is a glimpse of how great those two days would be...

With our spouse or partner, we would not have to compete for their attention.  Boom Beach, Clash of Clans, or whatever new App of the Week was stealing their attention would have to simply wait.  Villages would get raided, troops would be ready, but WHO CARES!  Leave behind Facebook and Pinterest. No one cares about our status; your next craft or nail design is not important.   We have lost our human connection and our priorities have become scrambled.  Communication and interaction would flourish.  Go out for breakfast, lunch, or dinner....could you imagine sitting across from one another and actually looking at each other? Sit and talk, not just about the daily ins and outs.  Over coffee, a glass of wine, or a pitcher of beer, talk about the future, make plans, just sit, listen, and engage. 

With our children, our homes would fill with laughter and noise instead of the  monotonous clicking of keyboards. Backyard playgrounds would stop collecting dust and bring hours of exercise and delight.  Parks and beaches would host picnics and frisbee challenges.   We do not need to take pictures for our 257 Facebook friends to see how we spent our weekend. And for goodness sake, stop taking selfies…

We just need to focus on the moment and enjoy it for ourselves.  Look into your kids eyes when they speak to you.  Give them your undivided attention.  Let them know they are your number one priority, and you enjoy spending time with them.  Stop yourself from turning on the car DVD player for entertainment and sing songs or reminisce about past vacations, school plays, or birthdays. The greatest gift we can give each other is our time and attention. 

During this two day challenge, have friends and family over.  Host a get together or a  game night. If you have never been to a game night, I assure you it is one of the best get togethers you will ever host or attend.  We have attended game nights in the past where we made new friends and could not stop laughing playing games like Taboo or Pictionary.  At our home, we have hosted a couple of potluck themed events.  I have asked guests to bring dishes from their birth country or from a country they have visited and loved the cuisine.  They have been wonderful get togethers with friends and foods from all around the world.  

Mindful Moment:  I am up for the 2 day challenge…are you?  I am looking forward to focusing on who and what is really important to me.  It will quiet the outside forces distracting me and allow me to prioritize.  The only thing in my life I want scrambled are my eggs for breakfast =)

The Emotional Manipulation Grip-Breaking Loose and Reclaiming My Happiness

I hate to admit it, but I have been a victim of emotional manipulation for many, many years. It was not until recently when I was discussing an undesirable event with a dear friend over coffee, that the proverbial light bulb came on above my head.  As soon as she pointed it out to me, I had an "a-ha moment,"... Oprah would be so proud!  The realization was so profound that I felt immediately better, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I knew exactly what I had to do.  It was the quickest and cheapest therapy session I ever had.

In all of our lives, we have relationships with people that we cannot avoid.  Like the adage says, "you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family."  While I agree with this saying, I would like to add that that you have the power to control how and when you interact with them. Simply because they are family does not mean that I have to tolerate their behavior towards me or put up with their temper tantrums. There are people who will say or do things because they want you to engage in their behavior and provoke a response from you.  As soon as I would engage, I would lose.   And I don't not mean lose the argument, I mean I would lose my peace of mind and my happiness.  

This is exactly the trap I kept falling for every time. To the point that it would ruin my entire day, cause me to lose sleep, and I found myself complaining to anyone who would listen. Emotional manipulators are very smart. They use a variety of tools such as guilt and playing the victim to draw you into their ambush. 

Armed with the new insight and refusing to be emotionally manipulated anymore, I set forth a personal goal and plan on how to deal with these occurrences:

My Goal: To remain in control of my emotions.

Plan: 1.  Set boundaries,

 2.  Do not take anything they say or do personally, and

 3.  Do not attempt to change them.

     My plan is precise. It is not elaborate or confusing. I wanted to come up with something that could be applied to different situations and to different people. The idea is not total avoidance, because I would have to end up living in a room myself and that is not what life is about.  Following these three simple steps, will allow me to stay focused and attain my goal.   

Mindful Moment:  Are you a victim of emotional manipulation? If so, I urge you to devise your own plan, or you are welcomed to adopt mine :) Share with me any insight you may have.  I will be forever grateful for my friend's wise words. They brought me peace and gave me the strength, knowledge, and insight to break lose of the negative behavior.

Our Little Vacation Made Big Memories

Summertime brings on pool parties, beach days, and family vacations.  Notebooks and pencils are stored away and school uniforms are swapped for bathing suits and flip flops.  Many families visit theme parks, embark on caribbean cruises, or fly to exciting new destinations.  Vacations are absolutely wonderful because we get to escape the daily routine.  Many trips are planned months in advance in order to drop as many pennies into the “Family Vacation” piggy bank as possible. 

Last year, we began planning what would be this summer's getaway to California. We researched hotels, airfare, car rental, and attractions. We decided to explore Northern California: San Francisco, Napa Valley, and a side trip to Lake Tahoe.  We were so excited and could hardly wait! But then, life happened.... 

Due to some unexpected expenses, we were forced to postpone our annual summer vacation.  We had to shake and crack open our stuffed piggy bank to cover the repair expenses.  My heart sank.  I felt like without a grand vacation our summer was over before it even began.   Then one day, I decided to stop moping and figure something out.  Although we would not be visiting the golden state, I would plan us a great summer retreat.   

I booked us a five day stay at a Hawks Cay villa just two hours from home.  To make things even better, my sister and her family joined us and what ensued was one of my all-time favorite vacations ever.  We spent our days poolside or paddle boarding in the lagoon.  The kids made new friends and engaged in daily soccer and basketball games. We rented wave runners and fell off....twice!!!   No rain in the forecast allowed frisbee challenges and back porch happy hours.  We took afternoon bike rides exploring the island where my niece finally mastered riding without training wheels! Quiet nights after dinner were spent playing board games and card games.  

     Our inexpensive local trip turned out to be the richest trip in family time, and I learned a valuable lesson.  There were no grandieous monuments to visit or flights to catch, this vacation was an opportunity to be united.  I will never forget the ice cream dripping off my niece’s chin after a long bike ride or my son’s nervous laughter as we climbed back on the wave runner.  My sister and I spent time watching TV in bed, like when we were kids living at home.  We played, we relaxed, and we reconnected. 

Mindful Moment:  Vacations are not about how much money we spend on luxurious hotels or first class cruises.  They are not about the number of days we are away.  Vacations are memory makers. Our small vacation turned out to be one of my favorites because I spent it with the people I love. 

Communication is as Important as the Air We Breathe

     

     We take the time to eat healthy and engage in routine physical fitness. We know that protein, fruits, and vegetables along with regular exercise provide our bodies with the nutrients we need to be at our optimal health because we want to live as long as possible.  We know that toxins such as alcohol, nicotine, stress, and drugs are destructive to our lives and make us sick.

If we think of marriage as an “intangible body," then we know we must fill it with proper nutrients: love, praise, companionship, intimacy, and friendship in order to have a healthy long lasting relationship. The problem arises when we begin to feed our marriages toxins, such as lack of communication, accusations, assumptions, and power struggles.  These toxins eat away at the marriage leaving us angry and resentful, in other words, starving for love. 

To restore the marriage, precise communication is critical. For me, it is the oxygen in our "intangible body."  Without oxygen, our physical bodies would immediately die, regardless of how healthy our bones and organs were. The same is true about marriage. Communication is as important as the air we breathe.  We may not always like or agree with what the other person has to say.  But, because we love them their ideas, opinions, and thoughts need to be important to us. Expressing ourselves clearly leaves no room for misinterpretation or assumptions.  It allows our partner to understand us without having to guess or draw conclusions based on incomplete information.  How do we improve on our communication skills? 

By talking calmly and listening intently. 

By not using an authoritative tone.

By not dismissing what our loved one has to say. 

The best advice I ever read about married life comes from a poem called the Myth of the Marriage Box, by an unknown author.  It speaks of false expectations that many believe marriage is made up of, perhaps because we have seen one too many romance movies and want to believe in the happily ever after.  Marriage is not a fairy tale. There is no glass slipper or magical kiss to wake us from an eternal sleep.  The moment we become lazy or complacent, it weakens, crumbles, and struggles to stay alive.  The truth is marriage is a work in progress.  It is as strong and as healthy as we strive to make it. 

Mindful Moment:   No marriage is perfect or without it’s ups and downs.  There are good days and bad days.  We need to dedicate time and effort to make it work.  Always talk things through, I promise it will breathe new life into your relationship.