A cancer diagnosis is like having living with a terrorist me 24/7. He never lets go of that grenade or weapon pointed at my head. He scares and intimidates me to the point that I forget how to live.
I get dressed-- will it be my last outfit,
I shower--will it be the last time I wash my hair,
I cook--will it be the last meal I prepare for my family?
Cancer creates a series of "what if's."
What if this is my last birthday, my last Mother's Day, my last summer vacation, or holiday?
Bedtime is uncertain because I question if my eyes will see tomorrow. I pray that God will grant me one more day and thank him at the first sign of daylight.
I fear life and question even the of slightest pain. Just when I am feeling like I are back on my feet and confident enough to face the world, he reminds me that he is in control and can dominate me with a single low blood count. I see the fear in other victims' faces as we congregate on that hospital floor, even if we mask our fear with laughter and smiles. We know it could be any of us or even all of us.
MRI's, PET scans, CT scans have become as regular as going to get a gallon of milk.
I am now referred to as a VIP by my neurosurgeon; I have my neurologist's cell phone; my oncologist hugs me when I visit him.... from the nurses who call my cell to check on me, to the doctors who I have given gifts to these people are my extended family, my allies in this fight against the terrorist. I rely on them for my weapons of surgery, radiation, chemotherapy, prescribed medication, acupuncture, magnet therapy and weekly blood work. I arm myself with prayer, meditation, positive thoughts, healthy eating, and a wonderful group of supportive friends and family.
I am literally a work in progress. Sometimes I get good news, sometimes I get "not so good" news. When I was first diagnosed, I kept asking myself "Why me?" Now, I realize " Why not me?" I am no more special than anyone on that hospital floor. I have experienced astonishment, misery, and anger. Those feelings have peeled away to reveal what I am really made hope, strength, and love.
: I must quote a friend; she said it best: "Don't live thinking about tomorrow. Live today, and make it the best today you've ever had. We don't know if any of us have a tomorrow."
