I Promise to Love, Cherish, and Respect ME

Self respect is one of the greatest and most powerful qualities one can possess because it consists of self love and self preservation.  Loving yourself demonstrates how important you are to YOU! It allows you to always be cared for because you are able to nurture yourself; you do not need to look for it from anyone or anything else.  It is self-producing like an abundant waterfall constantly replenishing itself, full of life and energy.  Self preservation is the ability to protect oneself against destruction or harm.  Harm can come in many forms- a hurtful gesture from a longtime friend, a greedy act from a close relative, a nasty text message from a sibling.  The only thing you are doing by putting up with these behaviors and continuing a relationship with the destructive individual is robbing yourself of your dignity.  Self respect, self love, and self preservation are equally interchangeable virtues. You can't have one without the others. 

These three key characteristics allow a person to live their life guilt-free without the need to be complacent or a stepping stool for others.  It is such a powerful and rewarding feeling to know that no one can rob me of the peace and love I have created for myself.  I am not a victim of regret, nor can I be emotionally manipulated by anyone.  Because I love myself, I strive to fill my life with loving positive people. Positive people, positive vibes equal a positive life. It's that simple.  There is no room for negativity, jealousy, or hurtful people. I refuse to let that energy into my life because all it will do is consume me. Regardless if it comes from an acquaintance, a friend, or a family member, toxic relationships cannot impose themselves or be imposed upon me. If at any point, a friend or a loved one demonstrated lack of respect towards me or my family, the relationship would end immediately.  The reality is that they would do it again and again, and each time I would lose a little more of my self worth.

Fool me once, shame on you.

Fool me twice, shame on me.

If you happen to have someone like this in your life, and you refuse to see the reality of the situation, I wish you luck because you will spend a lifetime in trying to make them happy all the while depriving yourself of your own.  

Mindful Moment:  I love me. I take care of me. I respect me. It’s okay if you don't. I have all I need. 

What It Means To Be A Family

     All families are different and made up of all types of members.  In loving and healthy families, regardless of how they are comprised, there is unity, love, guidance, and respect.    Members of the family are there for one another and act accordingly for the good of the whole.  Each member of the family is fully aware of the role they play as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and offsprings.  For a family to function properly, everyone needs to be there for one another unconditionally and unselfishly.  It is not enough to speak fondly about them or fill your home with pictures.  Help is offered without having to be asked.  There cannot be discord, anger, resentment, or lack of affection.   Individuals should not judge or point the finger.  But not all families know how to be families.  Often times family members are not accepted and alienated.  I would have to say that there are more dysfunctional families in the world than there are healthy ones.  Having grown up in a family with many diverse personalities has allowed me to reflect on my childhood and focus on what I would like to do differently now that I am a parent. 

From my own personal experience, I have come to realize how important a family’s oral history is in shaping who we become.  I do not know much about my family's past other than a few minor details.  There must be hundreds of stories about my great-grandparents, grandparents, great aunts and uncles, cousins, and my own parents’ childhoods.  Somewhere along the line, these stories stopped being told, and it is unfortunate because they would have allowed me to visualize where I come from, given me roots, and let me see my life in a different light.  It is not the same to hold a black and white photograph of my grandmother as a young lady without the story of what she was thinking or what she was experiencing at that moment in her life.  A picture is just a picture.  The story allows for the connection. 

My husband and I make sure that we share with our son our childhood memories, our teenage years, and the story how we became “us.”  He enjoys hearing these tales of our youth, for they allow him to see us as more than just mom and dad.  He gets a kick out of hearing about life in the 1980’s and how we can relate to his teenage dramas because we’ve been there.  Whether our stories bring him some sort of enlightenment or not, that is hard to tell, but I am sure that someday he will fondly recollect them to his children, and we will live on through the stories we took the time to tell today. 

Another very significant part of a healthy and loving family is the connection with the extended family.  Short and to the point- I have none.  My personal family tree looks more like a palm tree than a mighty oak.  I have no first cousins, but I am sure that I have second and third cousins, great aunts and uncles, and family members that I have never met. Why?  I have no idea.  At some point, the adults in my family decided that keeping this connection alive was too much of a hassle or did not realize the significance it would have in the future.  And so, we grew apart, and our tiny family isolated themselves from the rest.  

I do not want the same to happen to my son.  Although he is an only child, he has a lot of cousins, aunts, and uncles of all ages thanks to my husband having a very large family.  He interacts with them during family picnics throughout the year and at my in-laws house on weekends.  My sister and I also make sure that we spend at least one day a week together so that our two kids grow up together despite the difference in age.  We put up with the bickering and the whining because we understand that one day it will all be worth it.  We bond over sporting events, pool parties, pizza, and board games.  

In a few years my son will be in the university.  He will be an adult ready to conquer the world!  I could say my job is done and easily pack up our things, move, and start a new chapter in our lives all before the age of 45.  But, that is not what life and family is about.  I am aware that my sister will still need me.  My niece will be entering middle school, and that will mean dances and dress shopping, a first kiss and broken hearts.    There will be plenty of days left to relax.  But there will only be one school play, one football championship, one graduation, and I am not about to miss that for the world.   

Mindful Moment:  Do I wish my family was perfect? Do I wish things could have been different?  There was a time I would have said yes.  But no family is perfect.  So now, I realize that while I can’t do anything about the past, I can certainly shape my future.

A Life Worth Living

When I look back on my life sixty years from now (yes, I plan to live to be 99), I hope that I will remember my life fondly and be proud of all that I accomplished.  That my achievements not be based on the quantity of material possessions, but in the quality of life I lived.  I hope that I will have loved enough, learned enough, and helped others enough, for those are the things that bring me pure joy.  My life will be complete because I will have had no regrets.  By then, it will be too late to realize I could have said or done something to make a difference in someone's life.  

I see the bigger picture now.

  I see how my love and guidance shape my son into the man he is becoming.  I am so proud of how he gives back to this world and volunteers his time at our local zoo several times a week.  Someday, he will be a husband, a brother in law, or an uncle. He will have many roles, and it will be his turn to give of himself to his family.  He will have a career where he will fulfill his responsibilities and in turn be compensated. But, his greatest responsibilities will be to his family where he will perform unconditional acts of love and sacrifice, and his reward will be tenfold.

I see how I must always seek knowledge to grow as a person and become enlightened.   I read about psychology, relationships, and the human condition always searching for ways to improve my own life.  I write as a hobby and as a mental exercise.  I express my thoughts, whether right or wrong, because it makes me happy.  And maybe, since you are reading my blog, one of my posts has gotten you thinking or brought you a personal revelation and that for me is truly special.

I see how helping others also nourishes me.  Taking care of my niece is a gift for me because the bond between us grows stronger with each game of Uno we play or with each bike ride we take.  The way she wraps her arms around me and her face brightens when she sees me, is "priceless."   I am present in her life every step of the way.  My love and support will not waiver.   She can always count on me. 

I know why I are here.  

My purpose in this lifetime:

To love, To learn, and To help.  

Mindful Moment:  When it is all said and done, will you have lived a meaningful life? 

The Disconnect to Reconnect 2 Day Challenge

     

 What would happen if we all just put down our phones and tablets for 48 hours?  The answer is simple: we would disconnect from all the gossip, games, and trivial news we spend hours glued to, and we would reconnect with everyone and everything important to us.  Our spouses, children, pets, family, and friends would have our undivided attention.  We would have to socialize face to face and not via a text message or Instagram photo.  Here is a glimpse of how great those two days would be...

With our spouse or partner, we would not have to compete for their attention.  Boom Beach, Clash of Clans, or whatever new App of the Week was stealing their attention would have to simply wait.  Villages would get raided, troops would be ready, but WHO CARES!  Leave behind Facebook and Pinterest. No one cares about our status; your next craft or nail design is not important.   We have lost our human connection and our priorities have become scrambled.  Communication and interaction would flourish.  Go out for breakfast, lunch, or dinner....could you imagine sitting across from one another and actually looking at each other? Sit and talk, not just about the daily ins and outs.  Over coffee, a glass of wine, or a pitcher of beer, talk about the future, make plans, just sit, listen, and engage. 

With our children, our homes would fill with laughter and noise instead of the  monotonous clicking of keyboards. Backyard playgrounds would stop collecting dust and bring hours of exercise and delight.  Parks and beaches would host picnics and frisbee challenges.   We do not need to take pictures for our 257 Facebook friends to see how we spent our weekend. And for goodness sake, stop taking selfies…

We just need to focus on the moment and enjoy it for ourselves.  Look into your kids eyes when they speak to you.  Give them your undivided attention.  Let them know they are your number one priority, and you enjoy spending time with them.  Stop yourself from turning on the car DVD player for entertainment and sing songs or reminisce about past vacations, school plays, or birthdays. The greatest gift we can give each other is our time and attention. 

During this two day challenge, have friends and family over.  Host a get together or a  game night. If you have never been to a game night, I assure you it is one of the best get togethers you will ever host or attend.  We have attended game nights in the past where we made new friends and could not stop laughing playing games like Taboo or Pictionary.  At our home, we have hosted a couple of potluck themed events.  I have asked guests to bring dishes from their birth country or from a country they have visited and loved the cuisine.  They have been wonderful get togethers with friends and foods from all around the world.  

Mindful Moment:  I am up for the 2 day challenge…are you?  I am looking forward to focusing on who and what is really important to me.  It will quiet the outside forces distracting me and allow me to prioritize.  The only thing in my life I want scrambled are my eggs for breakfast =)

The Emotional Manipulation Grip-Breaking Loose and Reclaiming My Happiness

I hate to admit it, but I have been a victim of emotional manipulation for many, many years. It was not until recently when I was discussing an undesirable event with a dear friend over coffee, that the proverbial light bulb came on above my head.  As soon as she pointed it out to me, I had an "a-ha moment,"... Oprah would be so proud!  The realization was so profound that I felt immediately better, like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders, and I knew exactly what I had to do.  It was the quickest and cheapest therapy session I ever had.

In all of our lives, we have relationships with people that we cannot avoid.  Like the adage says, "you can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family."  While I agree with this saying, I would like to add that that you have the power to control how and when you interact with them. Simply because they are family does not mean that I have to tolerate their behavior towards me or put up with their temper tantrums. There are people who will say or do things because they want you to engage in their behavior and provoke a response from you.  As soon as I would engage, I would lose.   And I don't not mean lose the argument, I mean I would lose my peace of mind and my happiness.  

This is exactly the trap I kept falling for every time. To the point that it would ruin my entire day, cause me to lose sleep, and I found myself complaining to anyone who would listen. Emotional manipulators are very smart. They use a variety of tools such as guilt and playing the victim to draw you into their ambush. 

Armed with the new insight and refusing to be emotionally manipulated anymore, I set forth a personal goal and plan on how to deal with these occurrences:

My Goal: To remain in control of my emotions.

Plan: 1.  Set boundaries,

 2.  Do not take anything they say or do personally, and

 3.  Do not attempt to change them.

     My plan is precise. It is not elaborate or confusing. I wanted to come up with something that could be applied to different situations and to different people. The idea is not total avoidance, because I would have to end up living in a room myself and that is not what life is about.  Following these three simple steps, will allow me to stay focused and attain my goal.   

Mindful Moment:  Are you a victim of emotional manipulation? If so, I urge you to devise your own plan, or you are welcomed to adopt mine :) Share with me any insight you may have.  I will be forever grateful for my friend's wise words. They brought me peace and gave me the strength, knowledge, and insight to break lose of the negative behavior.

Our Little Vacation Made Big Memories

Summertime brings on pool parties, beach days, and family vacations.  Notebooks and pencils are stored away and school uniforms are swapped for bathing suits and flip flops.  Many families visit theme parks, embark on caribbean cruises, or fly to exciting new destinations.  Vacations are absolutely wonderful because we get to escape the daily routine.  Many trips are planned months in advance in order to drop as many pennies into the “Family Vacation” piggy bank as possible. 

Last year, we began planning what would be this summer's getaway to California. We researched hotels, airfare, car rental, and attractions. We decided to explore Northern California: San Francisco, Napa Valley, and a side trip to Lake Tahoe.  We were so excited and could hardly wait! But then, life happened.... 

Due to some unexpected expenses, we were forced to postpone our annual summer vacation.  We had to shake and crack open our stuffed piggy bank to cover the repair expenses.  My heart sank.  I felt like without a grand vacation our summer was over before it even began.   Then one day, I decided to stop moping and figure something out.  Although we would not be visiting the golden state, I would plan us a great summer retreat.   

I booked us a five day stay at a Hawks Cay villa just two hours from home.  To make things even better, my sister and her family joined us and what ensued was one of my all-time favorite vacations ever.  We spent our days poolside or paddle boarding in the lagoon.  The kids made new friends and engaged in daily soccer and basketball games. We rented wave runners and fell off....twice!!!   No rain in the forecast allowed frisbee challenges and back porch happy hours.  We took afternoon bike rides exploring the island where my niece finally mastered riding without training wheels! Quiet nights after dinner were spent playing board games and card games.  

     Our inexpensive local trip turned out to be the richest trip in family time, and I learned a valuable lesson.  There were no grandieous monuments to visit or flights to catch, this vacation was an opportunity to be united.  I will never forget the ice cream dripping off my niece’s chin after a long bike ride or my son’s nervous laughter as we climbed back on the wave runner.  My sister and I spent time watching TV in bed, like when we were kids living at home.  We played, we relaxed, and we reconnected. 

Mindful Moment:  Vacations are not about how much money we spend on luxurious hotels or first class cruises.  They are not about the number of days we are away.  Vacations are memory makers. Our small vacation turned out to be one of my favorites because I spent it with the people I love.