Communication is as Important as the Air We Breathe

     

     We take the time to eat healthy and engage in routine physical fitness. We know that protein, fruits, and vegetables along with regular exercise provide our bodies with the nutrients we need to be at our optimal health because we want to live as long as possible.  We know that toxins such as alcohol, nicotine, stress, and drugs are destructive to our lives and make us sick.

If we think of marriage as an “intangible body," then we know we must fill it with proper nutrients: love, praise, companionship, intimacy, and friendship in order to have a healthy long lasting relationship. The problem arises when we begin to feed our marriages toxins, such as lack of communication, accusations, assumptions, and power struggles.  These toxins eat away at the marriage leaving us angry and resentful, in other words, starving for love. 

To restore the marriage, precise communication is critical. For me, it is the oxygen in our "intangible body."  Without oxygen, our physical bodies would immediately die, regardless of how healthy our bones and organs were. The same is true about marriage. Communication is as important as the air we breathe.  We may not always like or agree with what the other person has to say.  But, because we love them their ideas, opinions, and thoughts need to be important to us. Expressing ourselves clearly leaves no room for misinterpretation or assumptions.  It allows our partner to understand us without having to guess or draw conclusions based on incomplete information.  How do we improve on our communication skills? 

By talking calmly and listening intently. 

By not using an authoritative tone.

By not dismissing what our loved one has to say. 

The best advice I ever read about married life comes from a poem called the Myth of the Marriage Box, by an unknown author.  It speaks of false expectations that many believe marriage is made up of, perhaps because we have seen one too many romance movies and want to believe in the happily ever after.  Marriage is not a fairy tale. There is no glass slipper or magical kiss to wake us from an eternal sleep.  The moment we become lazy or complacent, it weakens, crumbles, and struggles to stay alive.  The truth is marriage is a work in progress.  It is as strong and as healthy as we strive to make it. 

Mindful Moment:   No marriage is perfect or without it’s ups and downs.  There are good days and bad days.  We need to dedicate time and effort to make it work.  Always talk things through, I promise it will breathe new life into your relationship.

The Art of Letting Go and Conquering My Worst Fear

      According to dictionary.com, fear is a distressing emotion aroused by impending danger, evil, pain, etc., whether the threat is real or imagined; the feeling or condition of being afraid.  The top five most common phobias are fear of spiders, snakes, heights, crowded places, and dogs.  Luckily, I am not terrorized by any of those things.  My worst fear is not tangible…it is personal; it does not affect me alone, but only I can conquer it.  

It may sound ridiculous, but I dread becoming an overbearing and controlling mother.  Although my son is barely a teenager, and I still have years before he is completely independent, the thought alone immobilizes me down to my core and makes me very sad.  This is not a new concept, I am sure I am part of the gazillion moms out there past, present, and future who have dealt, are dealing with, or will deal with the same insecurities.  Insecurities we know that, if not controlled, will push our loved ones away.

I am the mother of an only child, a son.  My son and I are very close, and although a teenager he still enjoys spending time with me.  My husband says that we have a stronger bond that even he and his mother had, and I cringe when he warns me that I will be "just like his mother, if not worse!” Whenever I hear those words, an overpowering feeling of hopelessness takes over me leaving me deflated.  After thinking about this fear and how I can overcome it, I realize the key is to be aware…..aware of my actions, my thoughts, and my role as a mother.

So I think the best way for me to have a fighting chance against making my future self dreadful is to learn the art of letting go. I have always understood that I am not raising my son for me, but rather for society, so that he may hopefully become a valuable contribution to the world.  We have taught him manners, respect, the importance of education, and to always do his best.  We try to show him that asides from love, a healthy marriage requires communication, respect, a sense of humor, and patience. 

Starting now, I must arm myself with the proper tools and knowledge so that he and I will continue to have a healthy relationship without destroying each other's happiness. Letting go right now means I need to:

1. Realize that he will make his own choices, and I may or may not like them, but I must respect them.
2. Remember he is a capable, intelligent person living his own life.
3. Not interfere, try to control, or change his decisions. 
4. Refrain from giving my opinion unless asked.
5. Give him space.
6. Respect his boundaries.

Will I be able to achieve all of these steps? I honestly do not know. What I do know is that I will try my hardest to spare us pain and arguments.  I am optimistic that my future self will be thankful for the obstacles I face today. 

Mindful Moment:  Being a parent is the most important job on the planet. I treasure every moment with my son, even the ones that are difficult because those are the ones that challenge me to be a better person. 

A Little Soul Searching…A Few Lessons in Life

     

It wasn’t until a couple of years ago that I began to read and learn about such things as karma, the soul, and how to live a better life.  I read books such as Miguel Angel Ruiz’s The Four Agreements which states that to create love and happiness in our lives we should:  

• Be Impeccable with your word
• Don’t take anything personal
• Don’t make assumptions
• Always do your best

It seems like such an easy task:  live a happy life.  Yet it isn’t.  We somehow manage to complicate things.  And the truth is, it is our own fault because we lose our focus. Reflecting on my own life and doing a little soul searching, I have come up with a few principles of my own to share with my son as he becomes a young man.  My blog, Mindful of the Everyday, now let's me share them with you.  

Principle #1:

Ever since I was a little girl, I always wanted to be a teacher.  I would pretend play with my friends, my dolls, and my stuffed animals.  I couldn’t wait to be a teacher!  I knew it, my family knew it.  When the time came, I graduated high school and entered college and graduated as an English major.  What was I thinking?  How could I not have majored in teaching?  Yes, I did well. Yes, I graduated Cum Laude.  But, I never taught.  Not a single day.  Instead, I became an Administrative Assistant and after 2 years, I left and went to work with my father.  For 14 years I worked in aviation.  Another, What was I thinking?  At the time, I saw it as a way out of being a secretary and convenient in raising a family.   

I made the mistake of not focusing on where my choices would lead me.  I was always so good in school.  I honestly loved it and received excellent grades.  I did my job well.  It was nice to be with my dad.  Those things I do not regret.

So, what I am trying to say is that when the time comes, choose wisely.  If you choose to work in something you love, in something that inspires you and makes you happy, you will look forward to getting up every day.  You will find that you will like many things. You may even do several things very well, but there is one that fills your heart with joy and satisfaction.  Pick that one. 

Principle #2:

Learn to play a musical instrument….  I wish I would have learned to play one.   I think it would have helped me in stressful situations.  Learning to play an instrument teaches you the importance of dedication and hard work and you will be proud of yourself. Music is an important part of life.  The more things that you learn accomplish, the more you will  be a well-rounded individual.  

Principle #3:

Play a sport.  Find an activity you love, and play your heart out. Maybe you like more than one, maybe you want to try them all.  You will fall, you will get bruises, and it will hurt like hell.  There may even be a trip or two to an emergency room.  You will be okay.

Principle #4:

I once heard Oprah mentioned that she kept a “gratitude” journal.  I thought that was such a fantastic idea.  Why should we wait until Thanksgiving Day to give “thanks” for all that we have in our lives?  We should be grateful everyday, even several times a day.  Wake up each morning and be thankful. 

Principle #5:

Give Love.  Love is the most powerful intangible gift we possess and often times we fail to share it with others because we assume they know how we feel.  This could not be any further from the truth.  It’s the little things that count. Small heartfelt gestures to express “you mean the world to me, I appreciate you in my life.” 

Principle #6:

Whenever you can, make it a habit to detach yourself from every bit of technology that has you tied to this world and step outside for a breath of fresh air.  That means leave behind your cell phone, video games, iPOD, iPAD, computer, and TV.  Take a drive to the beach or to a park and JUST SIT.  Be still, listen to your surroundings, close your eyes, and take deep breaths.  In this era, where just about anything and any place can be simulated, it is difficult not to get wrapped up in technology.  And while technology is an amazing thing, nothing can replace the peace of mind, body, and soul that you feel when you step into nature.  Disconnect—It will refuel you. 

Principle #7:

Help Others.  Whether it is a family member, a friend, or a stranger, if you see someone in need, help them.  The help they need may be in a physical form, such as, helping a friend move to a new home, or assisting a family member with a ride to the store, but help may also be listening to someone’s problem.  Offering someone your time is always appreciated.  Helping others is very rewarding and it will instantly fill you with happiness.  

Mindful Moment:  What valuable lessons have you learned from life? I would love for you to share yours.   These are my first seven, many more to come.

A Wolf in Sheep's Clothing

Are we born with an innate sense of right or wrong that develops over time as we become self aware of our actions? Do we learn moral judgement from our parents? Does it becomes fine tuned by the environment we grow up in?  I believe that while we all have a conscience which guides us through life, the strength of one's ego plays a critical role in how our conscience grows and matures.  

A conscientious person has a strong inner light and a dim ego.  They are able see the difference between right or wrong and make morally sound decisions that have a positive impact on themselves and on those around them.  The decisions they make are for the good of everyone. They enjoy seeing everyone happy, safe, healthy, and prospering. 

Your conscience is the measure of the honesty of your selfishness.  

Listen to it Carefully.

~ Richard Bach

On the other hand, a person who has a strong ego thrives on power, greed, and manipulation and has a very weak conscience.  Their ego is destructive.  They will stop at nothing to get what they want and hurt anyone along the way, even those close to them.   Because they are cunning, they appear noble and caring, when in fact, they are a wolf in sheep's clothing. The ego's need to feel superior extinguishes their inner light. Any ability to know the difference between right or wrong is defeated to the point of non-existence.  The ego grows more and more powerful with each selfish act. They make decisions to feed their ego and never feel remorse.  They enjoy seeing everyone unhappy, fearful, and struggling. 

When someone like this is part of a family it dismantles and robs us of the unity, love, and trust between family members. The unconscientious thief believes in a "divide and conquer" mentality which tears the family apart.  Those with a bright inner light pull away because they want no part of schemes, lies, and pain the thief thrives on.  Those with a weak conscience lack the ability to think for themselves and therefore, become victims of the unconscientious thief going along with whatever is asked of them. They want to belong to the pack.  What they don't know is that they are a dispensable tool. The unconscientious thief feasts on their frailty.

The unconscientious thief does not care or think about the pain and suffering they cause, as long as they feel good. In their thwarted view of reality, they live a good life possibly full of material possessions and false friends. In truth, they are alone.  While they are busy feeding their insatiable ego, they do not realize they are starving themselves of the right kind of wealth---family and love. 

Mindful Moment:  Conscience is defined as an inner feeling or voice viewed as acting as a guide to the rightness or wrongness of one's behavior.  Whether I developed my conscience over time, through my parents example, or through nature, my inner light shines brightly.  I am no one’s prey. 

From Snowflake to Avalanche in the Blink of an Eye

Why do we choose to ignore things right under our noses? Is it a defense mechanism to protect ourselves from the truth, from others' judgments, or do we do it to escape reality and hope that it goes away by itself.  Regardless of which rational you choose, one thing is for sure---you are only lying to yourself. The issue does not goes away, it does not wear an invisibility cloak.  It is the elephant in the room.  We go about our daily lives, pretending everything is alright, living an illusion......fooling no one but ourselves. 

Naturally, our minds want to protect us from any emotional pain we may suffer. We start making excuses, but worst of all, we start believing those excuses. They become our truths, shaped by our perspective, and we recite them to everyone who inquires or expresses a concern. We put on a happy face, always smiling in pictures or at social events, hoping that no one sees the pain in our eyes or hears the stress in our voice.  Meanwhile, we lie awake at night, scared and feeling helpless. Excuses don't mend problems. They hinder our ability to face the truth and deprive us of the strength we need to tackle our issues. 

In addition to the mental and physical energy it takes to live inside the "everything is fine" bubble, we add an extra load of hardship by caring about what others will think. We do not want to be labeled or treated differently.  We measure ourselves, our happiness, and our success, against some fake pre-conceived notion of what our lives should be like. We are not the Huxtables. We cannot wrap up our problems in 30 minutes and dance off the set, like Bill Cosby. Our lives have no script or a live audience laughing on cue.   It is not a "teenage phase." As adults, I have noticed that we care too much about what others think. We stress over acceptance just as much as the kid who wants the newest iPhone or the latest Lebrons. Except that our need for acceptance comes at a greater cost than the latest gadget or sneakers.  In our quest to mask the reality of the situation, we create an avalanche of problems through avoidance.  Excuses lead to lies, lies lead to animosity and seclusion, and eventually we are lying under the rubble and unable to breathe. 

When in fact, breathing is exactly what we should be doing. If we slow down our breathing, we slow down our impulses, and we are able to think clearly.  We make better decisions because we are able to focus. Our decisions cannot be based on fight or flight, instead, we need to process and analyze them in order to see the big picture. A decision made today may seem as tiny as a snowflake, but when the ripple effect occurs, will you have the strength to react or will you plummet down the mountain? 

Mindful Moment:  We all want to live happy and healthy lives.  The only way to do that is to be true to yourself.  Are you living an authentic life? Isn't time you did?

The Gift I Give Myself

           

I am a mom, wife, sister, daughter, and friend. I absolutely love each role that I play and give my all to each one.   But every once in a while, I have to take care of me. So, whenever I feel like I need to replenish my energy level and clear my mind, I schedule myself a one hour massage with a licensed massage therapist.  Beyond the benefits for specific conditions, I enjoy my massage because I am blessed with a caring and comforting massage therapist to whom I owe a world of gratitude for the friendship and trust we share. 

During this one hour, all my roles and their responsibilities take a backseat, and I cater to me.  I am lucky to have this time to myself where there are no To-Do Lists, no meals have to be prepared, and no laundry needs folding.  In the privacy of my own home, without having to battle traffic, the weather, or get all dressed up, I escape reality, and my stress quickly melts away.  These precious 60 minutes are spent relaxing, unwinding, and refueling.  Our lives are busy; society is always on the go-go-go! We need to make an effort to slow down.  I know the signs my body and mind give me when I need a break. Mentally, my patience becomes weary and suffer from recurring headaches.  Physically, my shoulders and neck become tense and sore. Basically, my whole demeanor changes. 

A Gift for Me

If you are anything like me, you spend countless hours dedicating time to your children, your spouse or partner, your family and friends, career and home. Don't you think you deserve just one hour to yourself? Massages renew the mind and the body.  They put a smile back on my face.  A massage is a powerful thing. It has the ability to heal, to calm, to soothe, and to rejuvenate.

Mindful Moment:  When was the last time you did something for yourself? If you have never had a professional massage, I highly encourage you to do so. Amidst the aromatic oils and lulling therapeutic music, it will transport you to a wondrous place.

Stepping Out of My Comfort Zone and Into My Zumba Shoes

Writing my own blog is not the only new activity I have started this year.  Since January, I have joined Zumba classes 3 days a week.  Prior to Zumba, I had joined a ladies only gym, but that lasted less than a year, and it was a mission to cancel my membership--something I vowed never to get stuck with again.  I really applaud the avid gym goers who day after day can hop on those machines without batting an eyelash.  My sister and I both enrolled thinking we would motivate each other, but with her crazy nursing schedule, sleep prevailed more than the desire to be on a treadmill.  I endured a few months, either sitting on a stationary bike or forever stepping on the stair-climber.  No one ever spoke to me or made eye contact.  I would take a book or a magazine in an attempt to entertain myself, but failed.

Last year, I gave Cross-Fit a try, and nearly killed myself.  I ended up hurting my right foot and had to get two cortisone shots from a podiatrist for perennial tendonitis.  I wore an immobilizing brace for weeks, sneakers to every event, and had to buy special shoe inserts.  My Cross-Fit adventure did not last long.  I do have to say it is a very exciting regimen, every class was different, which I truly enjoyed.  The Cross-Fit gym goers and instructors were very kind, knowledgeable, and pushed everyone to do their best.

After nursing my foot injury for several months, a dear friend recommended I try out Zumba.  Her sister was the Zumba instructor, and she guaranteed that I would love it.  There was no annual membership, it was a pay as you go class.  The following week, I worked up the nerve to attend my first class.  If you have never been to a Zumba class it is one hour of dance moves that combine Latin and international music incorporating interval training, fast and slow rhythms, and resistance training.  That is the technical definition.  MY definition is: it’s going out to have a great time, sweat, laugh, relief stress, and there is dancing involved! Having struggled with weight loss my entire life, I could not think of a better way to spend three days a week.

Zumba Love

Arriving at my first class, I felt like I was the new girl in school.  The other Zumba participants had years of experience, so I took my two left feet and stood in the back of the class as far away from the giant mirror as I could.  The class was packed, and I could picture all those eyes on me! Five minutes into the first salsa song, my friend noticed I was cramped in the back of the room, came over, and personally escorted me to the front row.  I nearly died.  I did not want all that attention on me.  To my surprise, the rest of the class gave me a warm smile and starting clapping. They opened their hearts to me and welcomed me as part of their Zumba family.  I finished the class drenched in sweat, but with a huge smile on my face. I have never taken a step back.  
I remain in the first row.  

P.S.   Did I mention I have lost 10 pounds? :) 

Mindful Moment:  Have you ever wanted to try something new, but your own shyness was holding you back?  I felt the same way, but all it took was one dance step out of my comfort zone to show me that I could do it.  Next time my shyness wants to get in the way, I'm just going to look myself in the mirror and cha-cha my way into the challenge!

A Return with Perfect Timing

        It's funny how many twists and turns a person's life can take before finally getting to where we want and need to be. Ever since my junior year in high school, I fell in love with writing. It allowed me to express myself creatively, and writing came easy to me.  Once I graduated high school, I did not think twice about becoming an English major and four years later graduated with honors with a Bachelor in Arts.   That same year in 1997, I got married, and a year later our baby arrived.  I wanted to be able to raise our son and still earn a living, so I went to work with my father. I was able to work part-time, miss work if the baby was sick or come in late if he had given me a rough night.  I was happy because this was an ideal situation for everyone involved.  My mom would watch the baby in the morning, I earned enough money to cover diapers and formula, and my dad had someone there he could trust.  

Once my son entered daycare, I was able to increase the number the days I worked and still attend all his important activities: Mommy and Me breakfasts, Halloween parades, Christmas shows, etc.   By the time he entered elementary school, any plan for me to do any type of work with my degree was long forgotten. There were after school activities, homework, school projects, or just quality time together that took preference. I continued to work alongside my father shifting from customer service to accounting as he needed me until 2013, almost 14 years to the date of when I began. When he closed his company, I thought "Wow! I can retire."  I had long since grown bored and exhausted of working at something I did not truly enjoy.  The lack of creativity and mundaneness was killing me inside. 

I had dedicated 14 years to a profession that was not my choosing.  I performed it well, enjoyed the flexibility it allowed me, but it was also stifling my creativity until...a friend, asked me for help with his photography blog as a ghostwriter.  I was a little hesitant and felt that my writing ability was too rusty.  Basically, I was frightened. Afraid of change. Yet, once I realized it was not a change at all, but rather a "return with perfect timing." I agreed to help him out.   I knew nothing of "blogging," but within hours of my first attempt at writing in years, I submitted my first blog.  Within days, I my fingers were itching to write again....My second and third blogs, this time a bit longer, manifested themselves.

So I started thinking, why not create my own blog where I can express myself, share details about my life, all the while returning to my passion---writing. I must admit it still feels very strange. There is so much freedom in blogging, so many topics I can explore, that I feel like a canary whose cage door has been left open. I think, "Who will want to read what I have to say?”  And I realize whether I have 5 readers or five thousand, it does not matter. What matters is that I am thrilled, after 15 years of putting my dreams aside, it is finally my turn, and the timing could not be anymore perfect. 

Mindful Moment: Do you have a passion, but are too afraid to try it?  Just when I had lost myself, my life took a turn pointing me in the direction I needed. I am not sure of what lies ahead, but the journey will be a great one....