All families are different and made up of all types of members. In loving and healthy families, regardless of how they are comprised, there is unity, love, guidance, and respect. Members of the family are there for one another and act accordingly for the good of the whole. Each member of the family is fully aware of the role they play as parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, siblings, and offsprings. For a family to function properly, everyone needs to be there for one another unconditionally and unselfishly. It is not enough to speak fondly about them or fill your home with pictures. Help is offered without having to be asked. There cannot be discord, anger, resentment, or lack of affection. Individuals should not judge or point the finger. But not all families know how to be families. Often times family members are not accepted and alienated. I would have to say that there are more dysfunctional families in the world than there are healthy ones. Having grown up in a family with many diverse personalities has allowed me to reflect on my childhood and focus on what I would like to do differently now that I am a parent.
From my own personal experience, I have come to realize how important a family’s oral history is in shaping who we become. I do not know much about my family's past other than a few minor details. There must be hundreds of stories about my great-grandparents, grandparents, great aunts and uncles, cousins, and my own parents’ childhoods. Somewhere along the line, these stories stopped being told, and it is unfortunate because they would have allowed me to visualize where I come from, given me roots, and let me see my life in a different light. It is not the same to hold a black and white photograph of my grandmother as a young lady without the story of what she was thinking or what she was experiencing at that moment in her life. A picture is just a picture. The story allows for the connection.
My husband and I make sure that we share with our son our childhood memories, our teenage years, and the story how we became “us.” He enjoys hearing these tales of our youth, for they allow him to see us as more than just mom and dad. He gets a kick out of hearing about life in the 1980’s and how we can relate to his teenage dramas because we’ve been there. Whether our stories bring him some sort of enlightenment or not, that is hard to tell, but I am sure that someday he will fondly recollect them to his children, and we will live on through the stories we took the time to tell today.
Another very significant part of a healthy and loving family is the connection with the extended family. Short and to the point- I have none. My personal family tree looks more like a palm tree than a mighty oak. I have no first cousins, but I am sure that I have second and third cousins, great aunts and uncles, and family members that I have never met. Why? I have no idea. At some point, the adults in my family decided that keeping this connection alive was too much of a hassle or did not realize the significance it would have in the future. And so, we grew apart, and our tiny family isolated themselves from the rest.
I do not want the same to happen to my son. Although he is an only child, he has a lot of cousins, aunts, and uncles of all ages thanks to my husband having a very large family. He interacts with them during family picnics throughout the year and at my in-laws house on weekends. My sister and I also make sure that we spend at least one day a week together so that our two kids grow up together despite the difference in age. We put up with the bickering and the whining because we understand that one day it will all be worth it. We bond over sporting events, pool parties, pizza, and board games.
In a few years my son will be in the university. He will be an adult ready to conquer the world! I could say my job is done and easily pack up our things, move, and start a new chapter in our lives all before the age of 45. But, that is not what life and family is about. I am aware that my sister will still need me. My niece will be entering middle school, and that will mean dances and dress shopping, a first kiss and broken hearts. There will be plenty of days left to relax. But there will only be one school play, one football championship, one graduation, and I am not about to miss that for the world.
Mindful Moment: Do I wish my family was perfect? Do I wish things could have been different? There was a time I would have said yes. But no family is perfect. So now, I realize that while I can’t do anything about the past, I can certainly shape my future.
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